Once school starts back up, Reece and I won’t have as many solo days together. We decided a big mommy/son date was needed before summer ends. We spent a morning exploring Boston’s Back Bay and Beacon Hill.
“Should I leave the workforce and be a stay at home parent?” I believe, ultimately, you already know the answer to this question. BUT, there are some things you may not have considered as part of the equation. A lot of parents focus on finances when trying to decide whether one parent will be staying at home. Then there are a lot of hidden considerations that can go overlooked. While I can’t give you the answer, I can give a little insight to some factors to be considered if a parent should ditch the 9-5 to become a stay at home parent. It’s a big decision and should be heavily weighed before handing over your resignation letter. Where do you start?
Will there be resentment from the working parent towards the non-working parent? Will the stay at home parent resent that the working parent gets “a break” from the kids, adult interaction, a further identity than just Mom or Dad? Will there be resentment because of how long the working parent is gone for the day? It might seem sweet and sunshiny to be with the baby all day long, but the sleepy newborn days end and by 4:45 you could be at your END. When Dad is 10 minutes later than normal, he is almost guaranteed to walk into a shit show. The working parent has to be able to take on kid duty as soon as they walk through the door.
How will you connect with others? How will it feel to be without adult interaction day after day? Unless you have a lot of friends that live nearby who have kids that are at least somewhat close in age to yours, you might be pretty lonely only talking to someone who can’t communicate all day every day. Signing up for multiple activities does not guarantee a Best Mom Friend, at least not immediately. All mom’s are very busy and their babies/kids have their own schedules so trying to make the leap from acquaintances to friends outside of a class/activity can be a hurdle since the best way to make a friendship grow is constant interaction. Gaining mom friends is a constant hustle.
Loss of Identity
Leaving the workforce, even if it’s only for a couple years, can leave you feeling like your identity slipping away from you. Being at home all day with the kids turns into an identity as Mom. I can’t even recall how many parents I know simply as ‘so and so’s’ mom. You remember the children’s names but it’s always so hectic so mom and dad’s name gets lost in the shuffle. Sometimes it’s hard to separate from mom duty in order to attend to your own hobbies and interests.
How will you “refresh?”
Getting space away parenting to attend to your own hobbies and interests is vital not only for your identity. Don’t feel guilty about this one! Treat yourself to some self care. Wether it is once a week, month or few times a year, make it a priority to have some time away from your baby/babies. Everyone needs a break from Mom Mode. Being burnt out constantly means the entire family suffers. Schedule a date night or a Mom’s Nite Out or just go for a run.
Think beyond newborn phase
Try to think beyond the sleepy newborn phase where you’re cuddling, napping, or walking in the stroller all day. At some point your baby is going to start to sit up and roll. Then comes the crawling, the walking, and the talk talk talking! Beyond that, there’s regressions, behavior issues, power struggles and boundary pushing. As a parent you have to roll with this no matter what, but when you’re home ALL day, every day, it’s a whole other animal!
What will you be doing all day?
Being home all day can make you stir crazy fast. Draw out a tentative schedule of activities. Maybe it’s lunch with a friend or family once a week or a mommy and me class. The eat, sleep, play cycle gets boring fast. Look up what’s available in your community.
Budget For Activities
There are free and cheap things to do with baby besides going for walks and the playground, but there are so many cool things to do, even the less expensive activities will add up.
Consider what you experiences you might want to have with your baby and price it out with a liberal guess at how much and how often you will go. Will you want to do dance or art classes? How much is the indoor playground? If you live somewhere with tough winters take into account that you might want to go frequently in the winter when you’re unable to play outside.
Think beyond income vs. daycare costs. Additional costs of working would be commute (time/gas), health insurance costs, take out food costs. Keep the income loss amount in perspective. Take home salary is usually about a third less than your actual salary (in the US at least).
When and how and/or if you will reenter the workforce?
I have probably edited my plan several dozen times, but even if it changes, there should be a plan. Think about when you would go back, after the youngest is in elementary school? Only a year? Then, think about how to reenter the workforce. Keep your resume updated, if possible, do volunteer or part time work in your field, and keep up with networking connections.
After all these different factors have been thought out, which are you leaning towards? If you are leaning even slightly towards one or the other, you know your answer. It’s never easy, but often times the decision is simple after working it out. What will it be for you?
Living through a renovation is hard for any family. Doing it with two toddlers it has it’s own set of unique challenges. The construction part isn’t even close to the most difficult part. Toddler meals and trying to keep the kids out of the crews way have been the hard part.
Breakfast hasn’t been too challenging since there are several options where no heating is involved or just a toaster which is all we have. The kids have been getting a lot of waffles and yogurt and cut up fruit. A few mornings when eggs were all Reece wanted there were tears but for the most part we’ve skated by easily. Lunch hasn’t been too bad either since Reece eats PBJ every day now if we are home. Kat gets cut up cold cuts, cheese, fruit, a slice of bread and I’ll eat a salad or sandwich. Dinner has been the big question mark each day.
We waited for summer to start our renovation because of the nice weather, but of course the first 3 nights we had no kitchen it rained. Cross off my idea for grilling! I ordered pizza since my fridge was pretty much cheese and milk. I’m trying to not make a habit out of ordering out too often since it gets expensive fast and there’s another month of no kitchen in our future.
The first night we were able to grill I invited a friend over so I could figure out what I was doing and someone could keep an eye on all tiny beasts. It was also my first time grilling. Ever! So it was nice to not be working on how to figure out a coal grill and making sure my two tiny beasts weren’t getting into trouble. I didn’t burn anything, hurrah! I also didn’t add enough coals, so there was barely enough heat to finish our meal. Oops, lesson not learned, did this most of the following nights as well.
My second night grilling I was solo with the two tiny beasts. All things considered it went well, nothing burnt or uncooked and no casualties. If you have been following me on my Instagram Stories you might have witnessed my triumph of multitasking when my husband is overwhelmed with grilling while I’m with him helping out.
Since our dinners have become mostly BBQ I’ve learned my toddlers do not like chicken on the grill, even if it’s in the most yummy marinade and the only option is hot dogs and NEVER forget to grill up some corn on the cob.
The start day was a Monday which is good because Kat has daycare all day and Reece was still in school so he was out of the house the first morning during the majority of the demolition. Which led to a false sense that maybe things will go according to the timeline. Hahahahaha.
For four days the plumber was held up on the project before ours, plagued with issues of faulty parts then the warehouse sending incorrect replacement parts before he could start work on our kitchen. Thursday evening he came by the house and did an inventory so he could shop the next day morning and get to work. Friday he showed up and moved some pipes and was done after about 3.5 hours of work. Then realized, based on where cabinets were being installed, additional pipes would need to be moved as well. Monday the plumber was sick and couldn’t make it. Tuesday he came and finished what he needed to do. After that things started moving along better.
The electricians came by Wednesday and by the time they were done we could see dramatic results. Just kidding. They did a lot of work but Rich and I could not tell you to save our lives what they had done and what was different about the kitchen. After the plumber and electrician were pretty much wrapped up with any prep work they had do to the crew got to work.
The biggest challenge for the crew is probably Kat and Reece. They are SO curious and fascinated by the crew and their work. We try to be out of the house for most of the day, but sometimes activities don’t get started or the kids drag the their feet getting ready for the day and pester the crew before we can head out the door. A small hole about 4 inches big in the tarp covering the doorway very quickly grew to 4 feet. Reece and Kat love to stick their entire bodies in and check what’s happening.
The crew keeps it pretty clean in the kitchen so it’s not a death trap in the kitchen and they sweep up the floor from the kitchen to the front door. The house has been slipping slowly into a pit or despair since kitchen stuff is in the bathroom and dining room but it hasn’t impeded too much on our lives. The timing (summer) is a big help. Another big help is that Kat and Reece are able to still nap even with our house being a construction zone. Thank you sound machines!!! If we were still using bottles, I think I’d be asking if there’s such a thing as disposable bottles. Our bottle days are behind us and at meals we can give the kids plastic cups. Maybe we set realistic expectations of what to expect. All and all, so far, living through a renovation hasn’t been as terrible as HGTV would have you think it is.
Stay tuned to see if this is still true week 3 and beyond!
We recently took on the endeavor of a bathroom and kitchen renovation. Which, now that it’s happening, feels a little insane, but this is our forever home and we felt it’s time to start making it our home with more than just fresh paint in the bedrooms.
At first glance, the kitchen seems fine. Cooking in it daily though, helps to pull back some of the layers of this crazy onion of a kitchen. The seller had painted very old cabinets, replaced some of the hinges, added a new countertop and bought mid range stainless steel appliances that were dented floor models. Ultimately, besides the counter, it was all an awesome kitchen facade.
The worst part about the kitchen was the layout. With only about 20” of prep space it was my own home kitchen nightmare. I make at least 3 meals a day that involve cutting boards and several food items sprawled about. The daily use was a pain, holidays a shit show.
With our new layout plan there will be several feet of counter space to prep and shelving in the cabinets that pull out so nothing can get lost in the back like a Bermuda Triangle of kitchen space. Plus a second oven! We found a contractor we trusted, a parent at Reece’s preschool. Now the “fun” would begin.
You might think the stress of a renovation would start once demolition of the kitchen starts. No, no… Nope… No… You would be wrong. Especially if you have children. You have to make many decisions, and if you’re organized, you’ll want to have everything picked out (and in some cases ordered) in advance.
Which leads me to stresses prior to demo day. Trying to shop with young children running around the store is hectic at best. When we went to the appliance store the kids were running in different directions, touching everything, Kat wanted to use the potty then wouldn’t go, then ask to go again, and to top it off Reece had a pee accident even though he had tried to potty minutes before.
We still needed to figure out the counters and tile and didn’t feel like having an appliance store repeat. Our monthly date night was coming up so we ended up using the time to go to the granite showroom and tile store. The glamour! We picked three quartz samples we liked and requested a quote and brought home some tile samples so we could pick based off the finalized counter choice. Our hope was that one of the three quartz prices would be much cheaper therefore making the decision for us. Turned out the difference was within $200 so cost wasn’t really a huge factor.
After much flip flopping I made a decision. It may seem so simple to simply call and let the granite place know what our pick is, but for some reason when you have kids phone calls and emails are such a pain. After about a week of Rich or I promising to order the counter “today” I finally sent an email. On to picking a sink and order the tile as well! We obviously waited another 2 or 3 weeks before I could finally bring the tile samples back to the store and order the backsplash.
During the procrastination period of tile ordering, we checked with the contractor that the sink we wanted would fit the space. It was then that we, sadly, realized maybe we should have picked an apron sink prior to the cabinets being delivered since they would have needed to know that beforehand. Scratch the apron sink, boo! We checked out a showroom with tons of faucets and sink options, but they never sent us quotes. Only extremely annoying since we had to bring the kids this time and it was pretty close to our appliance store experience.
After checking online we found their prices were about twice as much for the same sink at Home Depot or Amazon sooo… Off to Home Depot we went, with the kids. After a few pictures and lots of screaming and crying we made a hasty exit. Luckily, we could take what we found from the Depot and check reviews on Amazon in the quiet of our home after bedtime. The sink was delivered the very next day!
Once most of the decisions had come together we got a start date and the days leading up to it were spent packing our kitchen. Luckily I had a day where Reece was at preschool while Kat was at daycare, so I got 2 hours of packing started. And by started I mean, I moved all the crap in our attic that was in the way, blocking the stairs, out of the way. Our attic is huge. The small amount of things we do have up there my husband had “organized.” Which means, it was a hot mess. Baby clothes tossed on top of boxes, holiday decorations lying across the stairs. Good thing I had all this kid free time to clear up the kitchen! Oh wait…
After I picked up Reece from his long 3 hour day at preschool, we had lunch, and he napped for 3 hours, so I actually did get a lot accomplished then. The rest of the packing happened the Saturday night and Sunday before the demo. Saturday we stayed up until 11 packing up, then the next day my brother came by and took the kids to lunch for 2 hours so we could wrap up packing. Uncle Matt got lucky and Kat had a huge blowout so they didn’t get to go to the park together, but at least we finished what we needed to do.
We were, ready for demo day!!! Ha… Not really… Stay tuned for Week One!
We were so focused on the first meet of our newborn and toddler that we overlooked researching the time leading up to it. If you know toddlers, you know, in order to get them to do anything you have to plant a seed and give it time to grow. Luckily, we were doing this all along since it’s a pretty important step and shouldn’t be overlooked! Our now 2 and 3 year old are each other’s best friends. Part of it is their personalities I don’t doubt, but preparation before the new baby arrives goes a long way. Please know, not every family is the same and you need to adjust for your child’s personality. Hopefully, our family’s experience can be used as a guide or to get ideas to help you smooth the transition from a family of 3 to 4.
During Pregnancy – Get Ready to Talk – A Lot!
It might not seem like it, but your soon to be “big” sister/brother is taking in a lot more than you realize. Setting the groundwork leading up to when they first meet is a big part of the process. We started preparing Reece several months before the new baby arrived. We started talking about the baby in mama’s belly at about 10 weeks. Some people wait until after the 12 week mark so their toddler doesn’t spill the beans. Reece wasn’t the most chatty so we weren’t concerned. Once friends and family know, start talking on the regular! When we talked to Reece about the baby, we always referred to her as “his baby” so he felt as though he was a part of what we happening.
We also read several books to reinforce the idea of a new baby. I was on bedrest for a lot of my second pregnancy so I also took advantage of my son’s love for Daniel Tiger. We watched The Baby is Here episode about 200 times from my 28th week on.
Before, after, and during watching Daniel Tiger we would talk about the baby and “kiss” her. Then we would talk about how excited we were to meet her in the coming days. Don’t forget that! It’s one thing to talk about the baby in the belly, it’s another to make sure you drill it into your toddler’s head that this baby will be coming home to stay in the near future. Again, even if it doesn’t feel like they are getting it, that idea seed is growing.
The Big Day, for your toddler, not L&D day
We decided to have the new siblings meet in the hospital since it’s a neutral location. We had my two brothers and sister watch Reece during Kat’s labor and delivery. Yes, it took three adults to watch one 22 month old. When they all came to see us at the hospital there was a lot of talk about how tired they were. Ha! We left a daily Reece schedule on the fridge. We let them know it’s flexible. They don’t have kids and had no idea how much food at each meal, when naps/bedtime happen, and other small things that as a parent you just know. We wanted to try to keep home life as normal as possible.
After we had rested a little from the delivery we told my siblings any time they wanted to stop by we were ready. They texted us when they had parked and we rolled our new baby, Kat, into the bathroom. Yes, it sounds crazy, but we wanted to give Reece the time he needed for a mini reunion and some solo time. We made sure not to put any pressure on Reece. If he wanted to say hello he could, if not, that was fine as well. We did take a few pictures but didn’t make them do force posed pictures together. We simply followed Reece’s lead.
Reece and Kat’s Meet Cute
When Reece arrived we said our hello’s and checked in with him. Then we rolled Kat in and let him look at her. Dad picked her up and we introduced big brother to little sister then we had them exchange gifts. Little sister was given a Sophie and big brother got a truck. We let them observe each other and talked about how it was so exciting she would be coming home to stay with us soon.
Reece enjoyed pointing out all of Kat’s features, eyes, ears, head, nose. He accidentally scratched Kat’s face kissing her and she cried out. Since Reece is a very empathetic toddler he cried for about 10 minutes, which was 9 minutes and 50 seconds longer than Kat. We decided Reece was at his limit and said goodbye to Kat. Off she rolled, into bathroom again. We had a few minutes of solo time with our toddler then said our goodbyes, letting him know we would see him the following day.
The visit short. I didn’t time it, but probably less than a half an hour. Crying fit and all. I never held the baby during the visit, but Reece did get to climb into bed with me for a cuddle.
Toddlers are not always the most delicate. Add to that, they might not be thrilled to meet their new sibling. Feelings of jealousy, confusion, sadness are all normal. Be prepared for things to not go smoothly. There might be hitting or crying involved. Don’t be afraid of their first introduction, but keep it in your mind that it might not be love at first sight. Sometimes it’s not love at first sight between parents and babies (completely normal also). We shouldn’t expect instant love from our new big brother/sister.
Freaking out over a toddler hitting our being to rough with the newborn is most likely only going to scare your child. Try to remain as calm as possible, even when you are on the verge of melting into a puddle.
Think back to when you became a first time mom/dad. This is very similar for your toddler. Your oldest will need YOU to help navigate this new transition. As second/third/etc. time parents you need to help set the tone and nurture their relationship.
Even if things are tough at first, down the road the new baby will be more child and less blob and they will be able to play together. Big siblings can be younger siblings best teachers and role models! If it’s awesome from the start, great! If it’s rocky, hang in there! It gets better, it just takes some time.
I’ll admit the thought never occurred to me while still preggers that my house could become my prison. I thought, “We’ll go on walks, mommy friends will fall from the sky, it will be tough, but I’ll figure it out,” loneliness was no where on my radar. You don’t know what you don’t know, until you know… And that is pretty much the everything learning curve when it comes to parenting. Additionally, baby blues happen after the “joy” of giving birth which will not motivate you to look up all sorts of cool and fun things to do. The catch 22.
Now that I have a little more mommyhood under my belt and have finally started exploring, and I’ve discovered tons of ideas and activities. Signing up or at least getting the schedules for a couple classes, meetups, or play dates prior to delivering can be helpful. Plus, having that commitment might be the push in the tush you need to step out of the house and into the world. Below are just a few things to get you started, but check out your community page, ask your local mom Facebook group, ask other mom friends! There are so many cool things to do with your baby, it’s just a matter of learning how to find them.
Stroller Workouts or Baby Bootcamps
This is great because you have achieved not only leaving the house but also working on your post baby bod. Yes! Another alternative is also finding a gym with a daycare/kidzone, but these usually do not allow babies until 6 months and are you going to wait 6 months to work on getting back in shape or just leaving the house! Hell no!
I found out about Baby Boot Camp when my son was about 3 months old, but you can start going as soon as you get the OK from your doctor. Reece loved it. Seeing all those other babies was such a kick for him. Plus the workout was pushing me but I could still dial it back when my postpartum body wasn’t ready. Our instructor always offered TONS of modifications for everything we did. An alternative to Baby Boot Camp is Stroller Strides.
**Note: Running with infants under 6 months is not recommended. I either walked with the stroller or left it to the side with a mommy that was feeding there baby, there’s always one baby at any given moment that’s hungry.
Your Local Library
Each one is different, but most, if not all, minimally have a story time, but activities can vary. One in my area has Jumping Beans Toddler Time that is stories and singing, Mother Goose Lapsit, or just letting the little ones roam in the kid area that might have a few toys that they can explore. Another bonus, this activity is FREE!
Music & Movement Classes
I had heard whispers about such classes but had brushed them off. Then when my son was around 18 months I finally tried it and really liked it. Damn! Why did I wait so long to check this out? These classes usually involve singing, dancing, moving about, and a few minutes of letting the kiddos explore instruments.
I know what you are thinking: Did she just say Whole Foods? Huh? A lot of Whole Foods have little kid play areas now and offer story time and other activities so after taking a spin around the store to pick up your organic milk and cereal, stop by the kids zone for some fun while Mom sips on a smoothie. Kids also can have a free apple, orange or banana during shopping or playing. Win/Win! (More fun on the free while spending a small fortune on one bag of food.)
This is typically for moms of newborns. The lights are dimmed, the sound level is baby friendly, and many other parents with crying babies is what you can expect from a baby matinee. Even though you have a newborn baby you can still catch the most recently released movie in the perfect baby friendly environment. Check out your local movie theaters for these weekly showings!
Sadly AMC stopped their baby matinee program. Maybe we should start a petition, bring it back AMC!
Check with your local Chamber of Commerce, a lot of towns (at least in Mass) have weekly or monthly concerts with different bands playing in the town center or a grassy area of the town. Children roam free, picnickers abound, and frolicking dogs. Perfect during the summer for escaping the house, getting fresh air, and squeezing in some culture! And this activity is completely FREE.
There is this crazy world of indoor playgrounds that can become an addiction during the winter months once the baby is 6+ months. There is a fee with this, but it’s usually minimal. A typical visit is $10 or you can get a small discount with a 5 punch card or monthly passes, depending on how it’s set up. If you are also in an area that gets crazy like Boston in the winter this is worth checking out.
To give you an idea of what these indoor playgrounds are about you’ll find: table toys (trains, legos, etc.), a kitchen room/area (R’s favorite), a smaller indoor swing set, a coloring area, doll/workshop room/area, party rooms, and a small eating area.
There are so many things you can do, these are just a few to get you started. Going for a walk just outside your own front door is very popular, or to the park. Tried and true, but these easy options can sometimes be monotonous. Museums are good as well, but might not be an option for all parent’s area/lifestyle. Don’t forget to swing by the library and see if they offer discount coupons.
Let me know in the comments if I left out your favorite get out of the house baby activity!
For my second pregnancy my daughter was breech so I had an ECV (commonly known as a Version procedure), which was performed in the maternity ward. While we were waiting in the Maternity lobby, we met a laboring mother and her husband with 2 suitcases and a big duffle bag. I’m not even exaggerating. My husband and I smiled and asked, “Is this your first?” To which they responded, “Yes, how did you know?!” Our first time at the rodeo we didn’t pack very much, but of the few items we did bring, about 80% of it never left the bag until we unpacked it on our return home.
There are probably thousands of articles on this topic with check lists of “must have” items to bring but ultimately all you really need is Mom, support person/people, and directions to the hospital to really get you through it. So if you forget anything, don’t worry too much about it.
- ID/Insurance card/Hospital paperwork: It’s nice to have registration papers filled out ahead of time because after having the baby you and Dad will be exhausted and will not want to deal with any paperwork.
- Cell phone and chargers: You will be there for a while and these days cell phones live mostly on the verge of a 20% charge, so do yourself a favor and buy an extra cord and leave it in the hospital bag. It will probably reduce insanity when the big moment happens since you will be scrambling around for everything you “need” and of course can’t find the cord or worse yet it’s plugged in behind the nightstand and you have to try and reach behind there with a big baby bump while having contractions to unplug it!
- Chapstick/lip balm/Vaseline: Labor is a lot of work and made my lips extremely chapped.
- Hair tie: Have a few dozen thrown in the bag, they always sink to the bottom and it’s a pretty hectic time, do you really want to be fishing around for a hair tie?
- Camera: Honestly these days, your cell phone can double as this so keep it charged and you’ll only need 4 things!
Now that you’ve done the hard part is over with time to take a nap and for Dad to run down to the car and grab the recovery bag that you’ll be using for the rest of your stay.
- Travel toiletries: The hospital will provide toothpaste and a brush but they kind of suck.
- Nursing bra & pads: If your plan is to breastfeed or even not best to bring these anyway, sometimes you change your mind once you meet your baby. And please, only bring one. I know a lot of sites tell you to bring 3 or 4… It’s gross but for reals, you will NOT be changing or possibly even showering. Bringing a nursing pillow while not an absolute MUST was a nice have while I was there.
- Baby mittens: Those nails are dangerous! Use a pair of baby socks if you don’t have mittens.
- Mom & baby going home outfit: Unfortunately pack maternity clothing only, boo!
- A gift for your nurses: They deserve it. Most awesome people EVER! Cookies, donuts, some scent free hand lotion, or veggies from your garden. You don’t have to go over the top but a little something to say thank you is appreciated.
- Car seat: Duh.
Some Nice Have’s include:
- Nursing nightgown: I brought one with my 2nd and all the nurses thought it was the sweetest thing. I personally don’t mind the hospital johnny, but it was easier to nurse when I had family visit and was a little more comfortable.
- Nursing Pillow: Boppy, Brest Friend, Ergo’s pillow, whichever one you have, grab it! Was so glad to have it with me for my second baby. Wish I had the 1st time I gave birth.
- Birthing Plan: Please know, this is just an idea. I have yet to meet a Mom who actually delivered true to their “plan.” So try not to get to hung up over the birthing plan, low expectations are best. My plan was: have a baby, no skin to skin until a quick wipe down, and epidural. That was seriously my only plan and unfortunately no one cared about my plan and plopped my slimy newborn right on me while I helplessly looked at my husband whose eyes said he also didn’t want to touch our goopy little alien, I mean baby, right then either. Just have to roll with it.
- Snacks from home: Hospital food, not the greatest.
- Your baby book: I personally didn’t touch this until my son was 9 months old but where I failed maybe others will succeed!
That’s my list. These are items that we brought and actually did leave the L&D bag at some point in our hospital stay. Think I missed anything vital? Let me know! But, I’m pretty sure you can still have the baby even if you bring everything, plus more than my list, or nothing at all. However you do it, congrats mama!
Ever notice one day that all the days are blending together? Like you’re stuck in the mommy version of the movie Groundhog Day? You’re overwhelmed and have so much to do, but you’re too lazy to do anything. Or, care about it, but don’t care to do anything about it (how is that even possible?). Everything about what you do or accomplish is mediocre, it’s just all so bla. It happens to me more there I would care to admit.
The other week I realized, I was in a funk. Sadly, not a cool disco funk, a mom funk. Living through a New England winter it seems as if it’s a given that by the time mid-March rolls around I should be checking the calendar for it. Unfortunately, it’s not just a long, cold winter that can set me down the road into a mom funk.
Life with two toddlers is endlessly pulling me in multiple directions, figurative and literally. All the activities we do, the obligations, social and work responsibilities, housework, and constant relationship work it takes to maintain a marriage, to say it’s a lot is probably an understatement. Compacting all these reasons that make life a constant treading water situation, motherhood can oftentimes feel like a lonely journey.
When I’m in a mom funk, the entire family starts to suffer from it. I become short with my husband and even worse, my kids. I interact with my phone more and my kids less. Housework starts to be put off with lame excuses and promises of ‘tomorrow’. I’ll recycle the same outfit a few times during the week, no one really knows besides me, but still…! Then, when everything does get checked off the list and a nice dinner is made it doesn’t feel like I did enough. Even when I’m doing everything and more, it’s can feel like I’m still not productive or just eh.
It doesn’t even make sense, what is enough?
As long as my kids are loved and still alive by bedtime the job is done. Sometimes the pressure of motherhood we put upon ourselves to do it all and be it all can be oppressive though. Not helpful to a mom funk!
What do you do after you’ve opened your eyes to find yourself in a mom funk? Typically, the first thing I do is let a close friend know. Admitting I’m in over my head to a trusted friend has the feeling of exhaling a breath I didn’t know I was holding in. I suggest talking to a close friend or your significant other, whoever it is that might lighten the weight of your shoulders.
Acknowledging you’re in a funk is the fastest way to get out of it. It might not be an instant release. Sometimes it can be, but by the end of the day I’m usually beginning to give myself some slack. Knowing that I’ve been unkind to myself by falling into a cycle of dysfunction, putting all the kid and house stuff first and myself last, I am can finally start to pull out of this funk. I can start to put some focus back into myself.
There are so many reasons we get into funks. What is this current one revolved around? Just like knowing which emotion we are feeling helps to get a handle on the emotion (sad, angry, overwhelmed, frustrated, etc.), figuring out the root of your funk can help you to work on ways to improve your situation and avoid another funk or worse, slip into a depression.
So think hard about might be weighing you down more than normal. Is it hard to push through what can be a very repetitious routine we as mothers set for our children? Routine is much needed for them, but can feel like a rut for us. Perhaps it’s the social pressures of trying to fit in with the moms in your area. That’s a tough one, for sure. Something that can also give moms a sense of mediocrity is a loss of identity, and from time to time we get sucked into the mommy vortex.
Whatever it is, it’s time to step back, get some perspective, and try to reset. If you can’t get out for a mom date then try to change up your routine by adding a special day with the kids by doing something that you want to do and it’s 100% for them. Maybe that means simply taking a bath or nap during nap time and letting dishes pile up or asking dad to take over when he gets home so you can savor the bedtime routine instead of getting sucked into the rush and craziness of bedtime. If your gym has daycare GO! Then read a book in the lobby! Anyone asks, you’re “cooling down” after a tough cardio workout. This may sound like an odd suggestion, but maybe watch TV with your children for a half hour, with them. Put the phone, book, cleaning aside and cuddle up. It can be really relaxing to stop the constant go, go go.
Please know, all moms and dads get down on themselves from time to time. Even if no one else In Real Life is talking about it. Parenting is a constant exploration of learning what works, what doesn’t and making adjustments. BUT, if these funky or blue feelings last too long (and especially if you have recently given birth) talk to your doctor. Being in a funk is one thing, slipping into a depression is another. If you aren’t sure, it doesn’t hurt to get checked, if not for yourself then for your family.
If anything in this post made you think “YES!” or “Exactly!” or “I totally get that!” Then I’m so glad. Glad I’m not alone and maybe now someone else knows they aren’t alone with this weight either.